This is the third day in a row that I'm awake at 3 AM. I can lay in bed and toss and turn while anxiety thoughts race through my head, or I can get up and try to distract myself. Last night I tried reading; this morning I watched a little TV (by the way Korean TV gets very racy late at night). I long for a solid night of sleep.
I could've popped a sleeping pill, but I'm already feeling the side effects of Ambien. After several days on Ambien, trying to recall things from your memory is like pulling your feet out of tar. Sometimes in mid-sentence you can stop and not remember the next word you were about to say. It's a bit disconcerting, so I'm going to tough it out.
I've only been here three days, yet it feels longer. The time difference between here and the US makes it seem as if I'm either living my life ahead of all my friends, or I'm perpetually behind. I've been told I have to stop thinking about the difference in time and just adapt to this time, but that's been difficult, especially at 3 AM in the morning when all your anxieties seem infinitely worse. I had one of those "oh shit" moments last night where I wondered if I had made a huge mistake and was it too late to fix it? It only got worse when I realized I didn't have a house, car, furniture, or job back home.
The one saving grace has been coming over here with Emily and David, the teachers I met in Maine. We had already established a good camaraderie before we left, and now I hold onto them for support. I shudder to think of the feelings I would be having now if I were completely alone. Rationally I know these feelings will decrease as I settle into a routine, meet more friends, establish connections, develop some familiarity with the area, but for right now it's been hard.
I had my first full day of work yesterday. My new office space is great, as are the people. I spent most of the day reading through the copious documents left by my predecessor. The documents were equally helpful and intimidating. I hate that feeling of not knowing what I'm expected to do. Again, no one is expecting me to know what to do immediately, so I have to keep reminding myself to breathe.
I'm going to attempt to sleep some more, but it seems unlikely. My two 58-pound boxes should be arriving today and that will be of some comfort since they contain my Bose speakers and my good pillows. Korean beds and pillows feel like stone.